If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
you stereotypes are all alike