if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.