*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this