The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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The photographer’s assistant
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…