I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE