Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
That’s no pocket rocket.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.