Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.