Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”