Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?