Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
You Might Also Like
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Lmfao
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Not today. 😅
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication