He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
When your man makes a valid point
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.