Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’ll be mad as hell!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???