5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Strange
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.