My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
That time Alicia messaged me
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
a public service announcement
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you