Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*