My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
You Might Also Like
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My love language is hissing.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.