My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.