[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious