(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Don’t make me out nice you.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.