My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Netflix: We have Less
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.