I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
who did the taste test?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..