8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I think this should do it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.