*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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Love this guy
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!