When you’re Kinky but poor
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.