Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.