I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m awake but I object,