Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid