Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
You Might Also Like
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.