im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
mumsnet is amazing
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up