i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
no their not
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that