*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.