You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
wut hotdog?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.