me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*