she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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this will hang in the louvre one day
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.