Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Good Morning.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK