11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.