Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.