When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
i love modern commerce
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.