My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
#Caturday
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?