I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
You wish you had this many chins.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The best shot in the history of golf
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Hitlers gonna hitl
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.