I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
You Might Also Like
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
#oldknees
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.