Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Happy Caturday!
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*