Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.