I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no