HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You Might Also Like
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.