The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
so, is there a mister shapen head
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Only Americans understand
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
We all have our pet causes.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.