I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My dog ate my work from home.