the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If you know, you know
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.