Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Aight bet
Me as a therapist: omg same
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess