TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017